Are there windows in heaven?
by quinnthatsgay
Summary: This is a story how Rachel Berry tries to forget Quinn Fabray. Rated T for language.


**This is the second story after 'I hope you'll be missing me'. This is from Rachel's p.o.v. Read Quinn's story to really understand. **

**Hi, I'm sorry I took time to post this. I decided to write it because I've gotten more reviews and messages that asked me to write it. You don't have to read this if you don't want too. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm still not fluent at all. **

**Thank you to Floydist for being such an amazing supporter and an amazing person. You're well... amazing. I enjoy our conversations about pretty much everything.**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Glee or the characters. Except few of them.**

* * *

I never really thought that I was a good person. I'm not a bad person either but I'm definitely not a good person. I realized that since high school. I have big ego, I'm a diva and I'm selfish. Even so, I was a decent person. That was before I made the decision that changed two lives, mine and other person I really cared about.

I'd like to think that I've changed even a little bit after I met Quinn and for a moment, I did. She made me a better person without really trying and without changing myself but I guess my ego, and selfishness came back to me the moment I met Finn again.

I was cleaning the counter at the diner when he walked in. My shift was pretty much done. A voice asked for a cup of coffee and I was going to call someone to take the order but then he called my name. He was looking a bit depressed. His hair was long and messy, and he looked a bit pale and his cheeks were red, probably because of the cold. I didn't know what to reply so I just gave him a smile. It's been a while since I've last saw him. He decided to finally leave me alone after he and Quinn had a talk. Quinn never really said anything about it other than just that he no longer will be bothering me. I didn't question her because she looked angry.

He insisted that we should have a chat and some coffee. I didn't have the heart to say no and I thought it wouldn't last long. He was a boring company.

The conversation took about 2 hours long and he changed a lot. He was more matured. He wasn't very smart, still but he grew up. It's been a while since someone asked me how my day was. I was touched.

That night, I felt very guilty. I went home to see Quinn sleeping on the couch with her sweater and beanie still on her. I took the guitar at the end of the couch and put it somewhere else. I knelt down and stroked her face. I looked at her peaceful face and I kissed her nose. I liked it when she did that to me. She stirred and slowly opened her eyes. She rubbed her eyes with her knuckles and yawned. I smiled at that. She then smiled back at me and pecked my lip. She asked me why I was late and I told her that I did some extra work. I wanted to slap myself for lying to her.

I tried to avoid him but he already knew where I worked at. He told me that he's a quarterback for this team and that he'll be making lots of money from it. I didn't understand why he told me that but I just smiled. He went by the diner almost every night and he always almost brought something for me. I hate myself for liking it but I don't get a lot of gifts anymore. Quinn couldn't afford random gifts and I missed being pampered.

One day, as I was getting ready to get out of work, the bell rang. I smiled softly but kept cleaning the floor. I heard someone said hi and my smile faded. I looked up and it was Quinn. She had this small smile on her face and her eyes were so bright. I smiled back. She looked breathtaking. She had her guitar on her back and her hair was messy. I looked up the clock and realized that Finn could come in anytime. I asked Quinn to leave because I still need a lot of cleaning to do, she wanted to wait. She asked me for a coffee and she sat in front of me, watching me sweeping the floor. She told me I looked beautiful and I blushed. We walked home, hand in hand with a coffee to share. She kissed my knuckle and put my hand inside her jacket. She then kissed my temple, breathing heavily to warm me up. I held back the tears.

I didn't cheat on her. I would never do that. She doesn't deserve that. I love her too much to do such things. She's not perfect and our relationship wasn't perfect either but cheating on her wouldn't make things better, it'll make things worse. Finn tried to kiss me multiple times but I told him I'm with someone I love, and I didn't lie about that, but he didn't give up. He came to the diner and brought me roses. He asked me out to dinner with him which I always refused. One night, he told me he made a reservation at this fancy restaurant and I didn't know why I said yes but I did.

It's been so long since I've had proper meal. There are days where I only get to eat one meal a day and there are days where Quinn didn't eat at all. I was selfish, but everyone knows that. We talked about the past and the future. Quinn didn't have so much time at home that much and when she did, she was mostly tired.

That night Quinn bought me Subway. She was sitting on the floor with her guitar when I approached her. She looked so tired but she smiled nonetheless. She tapped the floor and I sat beside her.

"I got you Subway. Vegetarian," she said when I sat down. She took the sandwich out of the plastic bag and put it in front of me. "I know it's your favorite," she smiled.

"What about you?" I asked and she took out another sandwich from the plastic bag and waved it in front of me, grinning.

"Wait!" She stood up and turned on the fairy lights. "Need to set the mood," She chuckled and turned off the main light. She sat back down and she unwrapped both of our sandwiches.

"Bon appetite, love!" she smiled and started eating her sandwich. I wanted to vomit because of how adorable she was. She looked so happy that she got to buy us food and that we got to eat together.

"Hey, what's wrong? You don't like it? You can have mine," she handed me hers and I shook my head. She wiped the tear on my cheek. "Rach?" she whispered. I took both of her cheek and kissed her mouth. She looked confused when I pulled away but I pecked her once more and ate my sandwich. I was full but I didn't have the heart to tell her that. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I also went to dinner with someone else.

Finn always told me that I deserved better and that he's the one I should be with because life with him would be better. I agreed. I don't agree that I deserve better because I don't and Quinn was perfect for me but I agree that life with him would be better, it'd be easier. I'd be happier. Since I was a little girl, my dads have pampered me with so many things; I never knew what it was like to live a hard life. Dad and daddy are not rich but they gave me pretty much everything I wanted. After Quinn's father left them, her mother worked two jobs and Quinn had a part time job at a fast food restaurant so she was used to it. Even though we were together for a while, the hard life never really fit me. Quinn knew that, that's why she worked so hard to give me a better life.

She worked 3 jobs for me and I still don't think that's enough because we still don't make enough money to live a comfortable life. We used to have boxes for coffee table and we slept on a mattress on the floor for months because we broke the bed and couldn't afford buying a new one. Despite all this, I was happy. She sang me so many songs she wrote for me whenever I had bad days and sometimes she asked me to come and sing with her on the street even though it's cold. She'd play the guitar and I'd sing and we'd earn so many money. That was one of the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

One of the other things was attending concerts without actually paying for it. We were walking to the street to sing but she saw a flyer for this gig. It was an indie band, both of us didn't know who the band was but she said we should go anyways because she loved indie music. We sneaked in from the back gate and my adrenalin was pumping. The music was good, the crowds were crazy and so was Quinn. She was jumping up and down even though the band was playing a slow song. We kissed, we danced, we laughed and it was so wonderful. It was sort of our thing.

One day I came home and Quinn wasn't sleeping on the couch like she usually does. She wasn't home and it was so weird because she always came home before me because she hated me staying alone at the apartment. She said it was dangerous. She came home about 30 minutes after I did and she had this huge smile on her face that it made me smile without knowing the reason. She said she won 300 dollars, I of course asked her how she earned the money and she said she gambled 17 dollars she made from the singing. I told her to stop doing it because it might be dangerous and it wasn't worth it if she lost. She was too happy that she said it didn't matter because she did won and she bought both of us food. She also told me to live in the moment because she hated talking about the future.

I was talking to Finn while making a coffee when Quinn walked inside the diner. She was holding a paper bag. Her smile faded when she saw who I was talking to. I was terrified, I knew I should've told her about him but I was selfish so I didn't.

"Quinn," I whispered loud enough for both of them to hear me. Finn turned around and opened his mouth.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" She said, clenching her fist. She looked at Finn and then turned back at me. "Calm down, Quinn. I was just meeting Rac—"

"Shut the hell up, Hudson!" She yelled; I looked around to make sure no one was around. There were just three of us; the other workers were inside the kitchen.

"Quinn." I said. "Come, let's go home. I'll explain, okay? Let me just tell the girls I'm going home, alright?" I walked inside the room and took a deep breath.

"Come on," I walked back to Quinn after telling my co-workers about my shift. I took her hand in mine and she held it so tight my hand was red.

"Quinn?" I whispered. She didn't look at me, she just continued walking.

"I'm sorry." I whispered again.

"Why are you sorry? What did you with him?"

"No—nothing. I swear we didn't do anything,"

"How long have you been talking to him again?" I considered lying but I didn't want to hurt her more.

"About 3 months."

"Oh."

"It was an accident. He was just stopping by for a coffee one day and I just happened to work there. I would never… I would never, Quinn."

"I know." She finally looked down at me and gave me a small smile. "I bought you the red velvet cake." She showed me the paper bag. She kissed my head, "I love you," she said. I stopped us and I pulled her in for a kiss, "I love you," I replied and we stopped talking about him.

Ever since that night Quinn became more and more protective and possessive, she worried a lot and I knew she tried so hard to hide it but she didn't trust me as much as she did before. She questioned me whenever I came back home late even though she was used to it but she started asking me after the event. She didn't ask about Finn but I knew it was killing her. Sometimes when we went to bed together she caressed my cheek and asked me not to leave her. She told me she would do anything to give me a better life. She asked me if I need someone better or a better, nicer, comfortable life. I told her no and I didn't lie. I didn't need all that, but I wanted it. If only she knew how I often threw away what I needed for something I wanted.

She started to come home even late because of her gambling. I told her to stop because we don't need the money and that I'm okay living the way we lived. She told me she wanted the best for me and that was the only way. She already dropped college because she couldn't handle the pressure and she said it was torture being away from me. Her mom wasn't happy but she wasn't really upset either. I was. I was very upset because I didn't want Quinn's life to only be with me, I wanted her to achieve her dream to do what she loved. We fought over this for weeks until she broke down and told me she really couldn't do it anymore so I took her in my arms and I've never seen her smile so big.

She lost the game and she lost 100 bucks that she made that day. She was so depressed when she got home and she was mad at herself for not listening to me because that was our only money that day. I comforted and we starved together that night. The next day after her shift was done, she came home asking me for some money, I refused but she insisted because she only brought two bagels from work. So I did, I gave her 20 dollars and she walked out the door. She asked me for some more money the next day and I told her I didn't have any left so she asked me to borrow from my dads. It was embarrassing but I did it. She won that night but it wasn't a big win, it was 70 dollars. That was the moment I realized that she was addicted. She also started drinking more. She stopped drinking after her first year in college. She came home drunk frequently and I hated it because I hated the smell and the way she acted. She was not Quinn Fabray when she was drunk, she was someone else.

I told my dads that I wanted to drop out of college because Barbra Streisand didn't go to any colleges and she still made it and that's exactly what I wanted to do. They tried to talk me through it but I was determined. The truth is, I didn't want to quit college, I had fun going to classes, learning about plays and being a student, I really did enjoyed it. I just couldn't afford it anymore. I didn't get any scholarships mainly because my dad is a doctor and he could support an only child. I refused to borrow dad's money because I knew he would ask why I need so much money when he already gave me money every month. Quinn was devastated when I told her I wanted to quit college because she knew that NYADA was my dream college and I worked hard to get into it. She asked me why, I told her the same reason I told my dads. I knew she didn't believe me by the look in her eyes but she didn't question it. She just held me and told me that regardless of what happen, I will be a Broadway star. It's written she said.

I started to question our relationship more and more each day. She asked for money one day and I told her 'no' so she yelled at my face and started to ramble about how she just wanted me to be happy. I was so scared that I locked myself in the bathroom. I unlocked the door when I woke up. I slept in the bathtub. My neck was in pain. When I walked out the bathroom, I accidentally kicked her. She was sleeping on the floor with her hands as her pillow and she had a sticky note attached to her cheek.

_'I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. I love you. Please, kick me.'_

I laughed and knelt down and kissed her forehead. She woke up and kissed my cheek and nose. "I'm sorry" she whispered. I nodded and I lay next to her on the floor. We looked at each other and we kissed.

I thought that was the last day she would lay her hand on me but no. She couldn't control it and I knew it's hard because she hated herself whenever she did it. Her dad was abusive and the last thing she'd want to be associated with is her dad. She didn't mean it; it was the alcohol and the drugs. She wasn't my Quinn whenever she laid her hand on me. Maybe that was the reason I stayed with her because deep inside I've always hoped that the Quinn I fell in love with would come back.

Every time she did something to me, she'd run away. Sometimes she took a walk, sometimes she went to Santana's apartment and sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom. After few hours, sometimes a day, she came out with the guiltiest face and red eyes. She didn't say anything but she just stared at me like a mannequin. Me being me, I came to her. My arms around her neck and we held each other for so long. 'It's okay. You didn't mean it.' was what I always told her.

Whenever I made my decision to leave, Quinn did something to change her mind. One day, I already packed my bag but she wasn't home and I wanted to see her face for the last time. She came back late at night. I was already asleep by the time. I only woke up when I felt warm breath on my neck. I turned around, facing her.

"Hey." I whispered, kissing her red nose. I looked at the time on my phone. "Where have you been?"

"I was looking for a job," she was slightly shaking so I wrapped her body with the blanket and glued my body to hers.

"This late?" I asked, my eyes were on her chin.

"I need to try, right? I want to pay back your money and maybe if we have enough money, you can go back to school again," I sighed. I told her about how we couldn't afford it and I remembered thinking about what I told my dads the day I told them I wanted to quit collegeI told them I'm good enough without the help of professionals.

She insisted, she told me she always put me first. I gave her a small smile and played with her pink streak. I've always hate her streak but I don't think I can live to see her without it. It's the only thing left after her punk phase. She decided to keep it because she wanted something to remember every little things of her life. Even the smallest and negatives things. It what makes me… me. She said. As I was busy playing with her hair, I heard her calling my name. I looked up at her.

"Will you leave me when I don't have anything anymore?" She whispered, voice cracked. There were tears pooling inside her eyes. I thought about the bags I have inside the closet, the things I've packed. I thought about the words I written in my head few hours ago. I thought about Finn and what life he can offer. I looked back inside her eyes. I then thought about how we met, how hard our life was and what life she can offer.

"Quinn. Listen to me, Quinn. Hey? I'm not good with words like you are but, no matter how hard our life will be, no matter how broke we're going to be, I will never leave you. Even if my life is miserable, at least I'm with you. I rather live a hard, miserable life with you than having good, easy life without you. You are my life, Quinn. I'd always choose you," I kissed her forehead and she let out a heavy sighed.

She promised that one day she'll be good enough for me. She asked me if I will love her no matter what. I told her I will love her until her blond hair with pink strand turns white. I was crying hard when I told her that. I kept thinking about my decision hours ago and how stupid I was to have the thought to leave such an amazing girl. I told her to fight for me, for us if one day I ever given up on us because I know it'll happen because it almost happened.

I've planned everything before I left. I only told Kurt because I knew he was the only one who will always support my decision no matter how it'll ruin other people's life. 'We need to be selfish in order to be successful. You taught me that, now I'm re-teaching it to you back.' He was sad, of course. Quinn was his friend too but he knew that I was miserable with Quinn. He knew everything. As much as he adored Quinn, he is my best friend and he told me that he will always take my side.

I borrowed some of his money to rent a cheap hotel room because I knew the first place she was going to look for me was at Kurt's apartment, and I left 20 dollars on the counter for her. I wrote some notes saying how sorry I was and that I love her, that I always will but I threw it away because I don't want her to know that. I need her to hate me. It'll be easier. I don't need her to know that I still love her because then she will look for me.

I stayed at the hotel for 3 days before I stayed with Kurt. Kurt told me Quinn still looked for me but whenever she came; I'd always be at Finn's house. Finn lives in a penthouse. He later purchased a mansion because I never really liked the penthouse. It's surreal for me how easy he bought a house when Quinn and I struggled to pay 1400 dollars every month.

She called me every day after the day I left. She sent me texts every single morning and night. She left me voicemail. It's frustrating but I never missed a day where I don't listen to the voicemail or read the texts.

One day it was Santana who called me. She sent me one text after I left Quinn and it was 'you're a fucking idiot. You're dead to me' it was harsh but I deserved it. I didn't pick up her call so she left me a voicemail. I was in the bathroom, getting ready for bed when I fell down the floor after listening to the message. I called Kurt and asked him if she was telling the truth. He said he can pick me up that night and we could go to the hospital. I told him no and I hung up. I took another shower to cover the sound of my tears and screams. Finn was asleep when I went to bed. I looked at him then I turned around facing the beige wall. He wrapped his arm around my waist and held me closer to him. I buried my face to the pillow and let out silent tears.

The next morning I told Finn I wanted to go out shopping with Kurt and he didn't question me. He just kissed me goodbye and told me to enjoy myself. I drove (he bought me a car) myself to the hospital and arrived around night time. Kurt was there and I told him to make sure nobody was in her ward. I thought about buying her something from the gift shop but I changed my mind.

She looked like a living skeleton. There were wires on her arm and nose. I made sure she was sleeping before I walked in. I sat on the plastic chair beside her bed. I stared at her hand for a while. Kurt later texted me, he told me to hurry up because Judy and Santana were coming. I immediately took her hand in mine and kissed it. I kissed her fingers, the back of her hand and her palm. I pecked her lips and her forehead. 'I love you' I whispered and her eyes were slightly moving. 'Rach?' she whispered, I gave her a small smile and I walked out the door. I saw Judy walking inside the ward from the corner of my eye. 'Rach?' I heard her yelled. Judy was calming her down, I took that as my cue and I left.

* * *

I got my first role with Finn's help. He has friends who work in theater and I had small roles for couple of weeks until I got a call to play Eponine. She was one of my dream roles. My dads were jumping around the house when I told them about it by Skype. They told me that they were proud of me. Daddy told me that he was glad I made the right decision and Dad just stared at him with disappointment in his eyes.

It was tiring of course but it was all worth it. Finn and my dads came for the opening and Kurt came the second time around. Brittany came with Mercedes and Tina. Even Noah came. I didn't know why but I was hoping to see her face somewhere in the audience.

* * *

I remembered hearing the bodyguards yelling outside and I heard a loud bang. I ran outside expecting to see the two guards making jokes around like they always did but I saw someone lying on the floor. I yelled at the guards and they kept hurting the person. I again told them to stop and one of them punched the person one more time and the hoodie fell off. They were cursing when they realized that the person they've been hurting was a girl. I told them to leave and I walked towards her. I kneeled in front of her and carefully brushed the blood from her cheekbone.

"Oh my God, Quinn. What are you doing here?" I asked her, wiping the little blood on the corner of her mouth. She just stared at my face with so much love in her eyes. I looked away and helped her up.

"Can you try to stand up?" I wrapped my arm around her waist and helped her in.

"You—you look so beautiful, Rach." She said. More of a whisper. I kept walking towards the kitchen. I sat her down on one of the counter stool. I took out the first aid kit under the counter.

"Hi," she said when I stood in front of her. I poured some alcohol on the cotton and pressed it to the cuts on her eyebrow and cheek. She hissed and I slowed down. I bit the inside of my cheek to prevent the tear from rolling out of my eye. She told me she missed me and I just kept going. I avoided her eyes. She later begged me to come home and I finally opened my mouth. I told her to stop talking and she had the same exact look when I told her I'm leaving her months ago. I walked out of the kitchen bringing the first aid kit. I wiped some of the tears that were pooling. I took a deep breath before I walked back in.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

"Yes." I opened the refrigerator door and looked something for her. "I think I might have some leftover lasagna." I whispered when I saw the food. It was her favorite. I took it out and re-heated it in the microwave. I also took out some bacon to fry.

"You cooked for him? You didn't cook for me for months." I heard her whispered. I close my eyes, "Yeah, because we never have anything in the fridge that I can cook!" I snapped.

I was frying the bacon when I felt arms around my waist. She kissed the back of neck; her hands were wandering around my body. I laid my head on her shoulder and my hand was on her neck. She was kissing my jaw and I felt her lip kissing the corner of mine when I let out a moan. I then pushed her.

I told her to sit back at the stool when she tried to lean in again.

"Be careful, they're still hot." I clenched my knuckle when I realized what I just said. She thanked me and I poured some lemonade for her. I did the dishes in order to avoid any sort of conversation with her.

"This is vegan." I heard. I slowly turned around and nodded.

"You're a vegan again?"

"I'm practicing to be one again." I replied.

"I'm sorry you can't be one with me. I—I tried to buy the products for you but it's too expens—" I cut her off, telling her to finish the food. There was some sort of pride in me as I watched her eat. At least I knew that she didn't go to bed with empty stomach that night. She looked like she hasn't been eating for days. She looked thinner too. She told me the kitchen was bigger than the apartment we shared. I gave her a small smile, it probably was but I told her it wasn't. She asked about the dress I was wearing. She made a joke about a bird sewing it and when I told her it was Christian Dior's, she looked like someone just threw bricks on her face.

"Did he buy that for you too?" She pointed the necklace I was wearing. I nodded as she took a sip of her drink. "It's beautiful," again, I nodded. I took the dishes after she said she was done.

"It's good. I've missed your cooking."

"You—you're on a play now?" I nodded and she nodded back. My phone went off few seconds after. It was Finn. I took a glanced at her; she was looking around the kitchen. I walked out of the kitchen, answering the call. He was apologizing because he couldn't come. When I walked back inside, she was finishing the drink.

"Where are you going?"

"Home," She answered, her back was facing me.

"Do you have any money?" She stopped and took a couple of moments before she nodded.

"Don't lie."

"I'm not." I let out a chuckled and I hated myself for doing so. I walked closer to her and took her hand in mine. I slipped some money. She glanced down at our hand and took a look at the money.

"That's too much."

"I promise myself I'll never ask you for money again." She added. She turned her head to look down at me. Her back was still facing me.

"You're not asking. I'm giving it to you."

"I can't." She slipped back the money. I walked in front of her and brushed my fingers on her cheek. I slipped my hand inside the pocket of her jacket. I kept staring at her face. She was breathtaking. She had dark circles under her eyes and her cheeks and nose were red. The cuts somehow added the beauty. As I was trying to put the money, I felt something. I grabbed it and pulled it out. When I looked down at my hand I almost laugh. She was stuttering. I took a few steps away from her and I threw the money and the drugs on her face.

"Get out." I yelled, grinding my teeth. She was trying to explain to me about it but I kept cutting her off by asking her to leave the house. She told me how that thing cured her and that I didn't understand. She begged me to come home and she told me she loved me. I looked down at the drugs on the floor. I told her to grow up and to find a real job. Again she begged me to come home. I asked her why and she told me because no one can love me like she loved me. I knew that and it was the truth but I kept glancing at the drugs. I thought about how it ruined my life, how it ruined the person I love and how it ruined the relationship we had.

"You're worthless." I walked away from her, tears already rolling down my cheeks. I covered my mouth with my palm to avoid any noises.

I regretted saying that the moment it came out of my mouth but just the thought of the drug made me so angry and I couldn't control myself. I wanted to apologize but that requires me to actually face her and I don't want that, I can't. I'm afraid I might not be strong enough to handle my emotions.

I still go to the place where Quinn usually played her guitar and sing. I watched her from the coffee shop nearby. Whenever she glanced at the bench, my heart dropped to my stomach. Santana was with her most of the times to keep her company and I'm glad of that. I used to stop by and sing with her after my shift. We later bought a cup of coffee to share. She always put my hand inside her jacket to keep me warm and she always kissed my head when we walked together. Finn doesn't really like doing such of things, one because he's an athlete and he has a 'reputation' to keep and second because he's not really affectionate.

* * *

She came to see my play one day. She brought me a bouquet of carnations wrapped with newspaper. It looked like something out of an old movie. The bouquet was on the trashcan when I found her. I took it back and told her it was beautiful. I was about to ask her something when I saw her hair. My eyes kept searching for that pink streak that has been sort of her signature for years. The one she decided to keep because she said it was a reminder of who she was. The one I always ran my fingers through every night. I felt like a little piece of me just flew away.

She asked me if I liked it, I didn't answer her. I didn't want to lie. I took her hand and dragged her to the dressing room. I looked around the place to put the flowers, I decided on the make-up table.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her. She told me she was watching the play and she told me how beautiful I looked. I stopped her by asking her how she got in and if she sneaked in. I told her it was wrong even though we used to do that a lot. She chuckled and shook her head. She was staring at me with so much anger in her eyes. She accused me of thinking so little of her and she walked to the door.

I asked her again and she told me she sold her watch. I dropped her hand. Her grandma gave her that watch when she was 16. It was the last gift from her because she died few months later. She was very close to her. She loved that watch so much.

"Yeah well I love you more."

I apologized for calling her names. She told me she was worthless and we argued for few seconds. She later asked me to come home. She told me that she has money and that she has few jobs and how we could eat good food and such. Me being me, I fought back. She then talked about how we should do all those things we used to do and the tears I've been holding just ran down my eyes. She stopped talking and she wrapped her arms around me. I cried on her chest and she kept kissing me everywhere. She was breathing on the side of my face like she knew I was cold. I looked up at her and caressed her cheek. She blushed at that. I missed those eyes, that intense look.

"Come home, Rach. Let's start over, okay? I promise you I will never hurt you again. I'd do anything for you love me again. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." I wanted to answer her but I kissed her instead. I moved my lip so slow against her, to really feel her.

When I let go I asked her to go to rehab. She kept asking if her going to rehab means I'll go back home to her, I didn't answer her instead I manipulated the question.

"If you really do love me you'll do it."

* * *

The last time I saw Quinn before she left for rehab was when I was buying a coffee. My favorite coffee shop decided to close that day and I was in hurry so I stopped by the nearest coffee shop nearby. I was texting Kurt when someone interrupted my order. I looked up at that voice. There she was, with her white cap and apron. Of course, I thought. I turned around as she opened her mouth.

"Wait! Soy latte, right? Com—coming right up," I turned back to her and watched her as she struggle with the cups. She then dropped few ices on the floor. Her eyes were on me most of the times and when she caught me staring she blushed and looked back down at what she was doing. She asked for my name. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Rachel." I answered. I moved towards the next counter only to face her again. I looked at the girl who was at the counter few seconds ago. She was now doing what Quinn was doing.

"Rachel," Quinn called my name and handed me the drink. Her eyes were on the floor the whole time. I took the drink and looked at what she wrote. I gasped and then I glared at her, which I'm sure she didn't noticed. I almost throw the drink on her face but I decided against it. I handed her the money and left.

As I was walking (quite fast, I must say) I felt a hand on my shoulder forcing me to turn around.

"What do you want?" She wanted to talk. Five minutes she said.

"There's nothing to talk about!"

"There are so many things to talk about, Rach!" I looked around and I noticed a man holding a camera mysteriously behind a bin.

"There are paparazzi okay? Just go back to work, Quinn." Her emotion softens as I said her name. She gripped my hand and accused me of being embarrassed. I wasn't but Finn might get another idea.

"Let go of me, Quinn!" Her eyes were wandering around the place and then she took out a piece of paper from her apron pocket. She asked for my autograph.

"There's a paparazzi behind. I know you're embarrassed of me; I get it but call me okay? I love you." She whispered. I gave her the autograph and she asked me for a hug. She said it out loud so I really couldn't say no. So I gave her a hug.

"I'm going to rehab this week. I'll let you know the address okay? Maybe—Maybe you can visit me or something. I love you, Rachel. So much," I nodded and walked away.

* * *

I didn't hear anything from her for a while. Kurt told me she was in rehab. I asked him to ask for the address and he refused to give it to me because he didn't want me to get back together with her. I told him I won't. Of course that was a lie. However, he didn't get any information on her as Santana refused to give him any.

Finn decided to take me to Europe. He claimed that I deserved it because I've been working too hard. It was sweet and nice. It was my first time going on holiday outside America. I was excited, of course.

It was amazing. We went to London first and I bought so many souvenirs for Kurt because he really likes British stuffs (also boys). I even bought him Zayn Malik's doll. We later went to Paris. I've always been dreaming of going to Paris ever since I was in middle school.

We were staying at this hotel facing the Eiffel tower. It was past 12 and we just got back from walking around the place. I was sitting on the balcony, enjoying the breathtaking view when Finn sat down next to me.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" I asked him. He then knelt in front of me. He was mumbling so many words but I didn't hear any of them. I just stared at his face. He called my name and I looked into his eyes.

"So will you?" I saw Quinn's face. I remembered one time when we in our room and I was reading a novel. She pushed the novel down and put a ring on top of the book. I raised my eyebrow. It wasn't a proposal she said before I get to say anything but it was a promise. It wasn't even a real ring. It was a ring with my initial on it. It was cheap, she said. She bought it at a kid store. She said it looked cute and it was the only thing she could afford at that moment and she said the real deal will come. She didn't even ask anything, she just looked at me. I put the ring on my finger and smiled at her. She grinned and she gave me few kisses on the finger, my lip, nose, eyes and back to the finger. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't what I would want for a proposal, it was stupid but God, it was so perfect.

He called my name again. He asked me if I was okay. I looked at the ring in his hand, sitting in a velvet box. The sparkle of the diamond fitted well with the background. The lights on Eiffel tower complimented the ring, somehow. I looked back at him and I said yes. I gave him a hug and stared at the tower. It was romantic, it was everything anyone would want; I would want but it felt so wrong. I kissed him to ignore the guiltiness I felt. He slid the ring on my finger and pecked my lip. I kept seeing the ring she gave me and the fact that she was in rehab for me and yet I betrayed her made me sick.

* * *

She got out from rehab a day after I came back from my vacation. Finn had to go back to work early because of something urgent. He was supposed to sign something. I wasn't listening. I asked Kurt about her plane information. He was annoyed, he was quite mad. He is after all Finn's step brother.

"_Why are you asking these types of questions, Rachel? You shouldn't be asking these anymore."_

"_You know why, Kurt."_

"_You're with someone else. Besides, she doesn't deserve you."_

"_Kurt—"_

"_You have a very interesting mind, Rachel Berry. I'll ask Brittany, okay? Just try? To move on? This is not going to help you getting over her."_

I almost told him that getting over her was not something I'm planning to do anytime soon. After he sent me the information, I hopped on a cab (in disguise of course). I told him I was meeting Kurt and some co-stars for a drink. He never really questioned anything.

She was with her mother when our eyes met. She gave me a small smile when I nodded towards the toilet. I took off the glasses, took a deep breath and fix my make-up. When she said my name, I wrapped my arms around her neck and I lay my head on her shoulder. She lifted me off the ground, spinning me around and kissing my head.

"I—I did it, Rach. I did it. I'm clean now." She said, mouth still on my neck. I wanted to say something but instead I just wrapped my legs around her waist.

"I love you, Rach. I love you so much." She whispered in my ear, her warm breath made me shivered. I knew what I was supposed to say, I honestly said it back in my heart and mind. I felt her tears on my neck and I closed my eyes and responded, "I'm so proud of you, Quinn." She stopped moving me around and she just stayed in place, her jaw clenching and I heard her sigh. I took it as my cue and I unwrapped my legs and she put me down. Her thumb caressing my palm and she slowly interlocked our fingers. She then stopped moving her fingers. And I remembered. The ring.

"Quinn—"

"Is that why you went to Paris?" Someone must've told her about the vacation. Santana, probably.

"Quinn,"

"He asked you there, didn't he?" I can see the vein popping out on the side of her head.

"Qu—"

"How much does it cost? Looks expensive. Or maybe that's because I couldn't afford anything." God, not this again.

"Quinn, can you please—"

"Please what? Listen? Let you explain? What else is there to explain? I did everything, Rach. Everything! I did everything you asked me to do. I work two jobs, I dyed my hair, I chased you around like a stupid puppy, and I went to rehab like you asked me to! You told me if I'm clean, you'd come back to me again. And this is what I get?" She was yelling by that point and the memories of what she used to be appeared in my head for a few seconds.

"Quinn—"

"I love you, Rachel. And I will never stop fighting for you. But right now… right now," She took a deep breath, looking at the mirror behind me. "I just cannot be here. I just can't look at you right now. It hurts too much." I wanted to wipe my tears but my body seems to not wanting to respond to my brain and I just stood there, staring at her collar bone.

She later kissed my forehead and cupped my cheek. I gripped her biceps and she rubbed my back as if she was trying to calm me, as if I was the one who were heartbroken. Thinking about it, maybe I was heartbroken, but she needed someone to calm her down more. The rehab was definitely working for her.

"Quinn." I called her name, her warm lips still on my forehead. I gripped her hand but she just pushed me slowly and walked away.

* * *

Finn never really talked about my relationship with Quinn. He never mentioned her name just like how Quinn never mentioned his, but sometimes I think he wanted to talk about her. For instance, when I was cooking lasagna he told me he doesn't like lasagna nor do I like lasagna so why do I bothered cooking it anyways. I gave it a thought and he stared at me and then he gave me a small smile. Then he looked back at what he was reading and clenched his jaw.

I wanted to talk about her too. All the time, to be quite honest. So, I did talk about her. Mostly to Kurt but he can be very judgmental so I hired a therapist. My therapist said it was normal to grief about someone who meant a lot to you and that it is one step closer to being okay again. She also told me that one day I will forget who she is and move on with my life because that's just how life is. I don't think she even believe her own words, she had her sad eyes on when she told me this. I don't believe her either.

* * *

Daddy called me and told me that Quinn visited them on her birthday. He said she only brought her guitar case and a small bag pack. He told me how tired she looked or how she no longer had pink streak on her hair. I wanted to tell that that I know but I didn't. He also mentioned how dad acted around her.

Daddy told me she slept in my room, and by slept he really meant she just played her guitar. It was heartbreaking, he said.

After she left, I took a plane back home. Nobody was at the house when I arrived so it makes everything easier. I walked in my room and stared at my bed. She left her beanie. It was lying on my pillow. I found myself smiling when I looked up from the bed and was met with my reflection. I walked to the bed and slowly took the beanie in my hand. My hand was shaking and I have tears in my eyes. I sat down and brought the beanie to my nose to take in her scent that I didn't know I missed. I then put it on me.

She also left something on the bedside table.

_**I don't know if you'll ever get the chance to read this, your daddy told me you rarely come back home now. I don't understand why you refused to come back here. I'd like to think it was because of the memories we first shared at this bed I'm sitting on right now or the many more memories after that. Maybe that's just my thought. Maybe I'm just being selfish by thinking that everything around you has something to do with me. Maybe it was because you just don't like this place, right? You never really belong here.**_

_**Right now I'm just sitting on your bed and trying to write a song. I've written a few. Or a lot, I don't remember. I don't know the purpose of writing this. I feel stupid now. I'm practically talking to myself. I just really missed you, Rach. Every time I think about you, I think about how you chose him and how I'm losing my sanity every single day. It hurts so much. I'm doing better, I'm even doing a special thing for myself but even so, I don't feel enough. I need you. So much.**_

_**I love you and I miss you.**_

_**Quinn.**_

I wanted to throw it away but instead I put it on pocket and I plan to carry it with me every day.

* * *

Kurt told me that she has an account on YouTube of her singing. Most of them are covers. What really caught my attention was he said there are few videos of her singing in a concert. At first I thought it was a joke, a sick joke but then I looked it up myself. He was, of course, telling the truth. I clicked on the most viewed video and it was her cover of Hear You Me. That was her favorite song. I've never really heard her sing it before.

It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and watched. The video was simple. It was her sitting on the floor with few lights on and her guitar. There is someone tapping the floor behind the camera. It was probably Santana.

After I finished re-watching the video for God knows how many times, I scrolled down the comments section. I saw someone talking about how she saw Quinn performed at a bar. I'm glad someone asked where the bar was.

The bar was surprisingly small. It has small stage with guitars and a keyboard. There are bookcases and most of the people were drinking coffee and tea instead of alcohol. I sat on the furthest table from the stage and I ordered a cappuccino.

She came on stage the same time the waitress gave me my drink. She introduced herself and I heard someone yelled that they already knew her name and told her to start singing. The audience and Quinn laughed. She apologized and she started singing.

She sang her own song. The song was about how she wanted to start a brand new day and that she'll be waiting for that day. She has her eyes closed most of the times, there were few times where I thought she was staring right at me. After couple of more songs, a girl came up on stage and handed her a bottle of water. She gave the girl this smile that made my heart ache.

* * *

I brought Kurt along to her gig. I forced him because Finn wanted to come along because he said he wanted to hang out too but when I told him I'm bringing Kurt; he must've thought I meant shopping or girls night out, which honestly was my intention.

Kurt gave me a hard time before saying yes. When we arrived at the gig, he took my hand and forced me to look at him.

"Do you still—"

I nodded. He nodded back, smiling and letting go of my hand.

The place was crowded, surprisingly. Most of the audiences were teenagers but I can see some people in their mid-20's and early-30's. There were group of girls holding few banners and board with Quinn's name on it. One even wrote her name on her forehead. I found this weird but slightly entertaining.

The audiences shouted her name when someone set up a mic. A girl about my age came out and introduced herself as Melissa calmed them down by saying Quinn was getting dressed. She made few jokes and the audiences interacted with her like they've known her for a long time. I wondered who she was. About 5 minutes later, she came out with her guitar hanging off her back. The same guitar she used when she played at that coffee shop. The guitar I bought for her. She blushed when some people shouted they loved her. She offered some people to ask her any sort of questions and someone asked about her tattoo.

Both Kurt and I frowned at this. She looked down at her forearm and smiled. I couldn't see clearly, I wasn't wearing my contacts and I didn't bring my glasses. Plus, I was in disguised.

"My little star?" Someone said. My heart dropped. Kurt held my hand and squeezed it few times.

"She's my little star." She gave someone in front a smile.

She talked about how she got signed and that her songs will soon be on iTunes. I wanted to congratulate her or just shout something to show her that I was there and that I was very proud of her.

I opened my mouth but then she kissed her tattoo and started singing and I felt like she knew I was there all along.

* * *

Brittany came to my dressing room after my play one day with Santana, like she always did, but something was different that particular day. Santana wasn't looking very happy, in fact she looked annoyed. She even left Brittany and Kurt with me by saying that she wanted to go to the bathroom. When Brittany hugged me I knew why it was different. She smelled different.

She smelled like Quinn.

When I pulled away, I asked her if she bought a new perfume and she said no. She asked if she should with worried expression. She then looked down the floor for a moment and looked back up at me, eyes widen.

"Oh!"

"Are you okay, Britt?"

"I hugged Quinn just now. Do I smell like Quinn?"

"Britt—" Kurt called, pulling her by her arm.

"No, it's okay. Yeah, you do. Was—was she here?"

Brittany turned to Kurt and Kurt turned to me.

"Yeah, she came with us and Emily."

Emily? That caught my attention.

"Emily?"

"Yeah! She's super nice and she's a good cook too. She made a really good pasta!"

"Does she?" I smiled back, biting my cheek.

"Britt, let's go home. I'm tired." Santana knocked on the door.

"I have to go now, Rach. I really like your show just now. You are good. I see you later, okay? Goodnight." She kissed my cheek and walked out the door.

"Who's—"

"Her therapist. Or former. She was the one who helped her at the rehab center."

"Why are they hanging out if she was her therapist?"

"I don't know, Rach. She might still need her. Who knows what's going on in Quinn Fabray's head, right?"

"Right."

When I got home, Finn was already asleep. Kurt bought me cup of coffee so I couldn't sleep. I was watching a documentary about human trafficking but I wasn't really watching. It was just basically just noises. I kept thinking about that girl Brittany talked about. Emily. I've never heard her name before. I'm with my friends most of the time and yet they never bring her up in any of the conversations.

My eyes lingered to the laptop in front of me. I looked at Finn who was still fast asleep next to me. His back was facing me. He was wearing a nasal strip because I kept bugging him about how loud he was when he snored. I took the laptop and put it on my lap, and stared at my own reflection for a little while.

I googled 'Quinn Fabray Emily' but they came out with the suggestion 'Lucy Fabray Emily' so I clicked on that. I wondered why she used Lucy instead of Quinn. She hated the name Lucy. I don't really like it either.

The first thing that came up was 'Lucy Fabray and possible girlfriend seen watching Broadway show with friends'

My heart stopped. I almost shut down my laptop but there were other news about them. I clicked on the first one and there were few pictures of Quinn, Santana, Kurt, Brittany and a rather gorgeous girl who I assumed was Emily. She was beside Quinn most of the time. There was a picture of only both of them. Quinn was walking with her hands inside her jeans pockets and she was smiling at the camera. The girl was also giving the camera a small smile wearing a beanie I know that belonged to Quinn.

There are fanmade videos of them. I assumed Lumily is the combination of Lucy and Emily, although that kind of sounds likes illuminati. One video has over 100,000 views and that one caught my attention. It started out with pictures of them. Most of the pictures were the girl staring at Quinn while Quinn was singing, talking and laughing. Some were Quinn staring at her. When the singer started to sing, a video of Quinn singing with her eyes closed appeared. Emily was staring at her in the background. There were footages of them hugging and them holding each other, footages of Quinn talking about her in interviews. The last part of the video was a picture of Quinn and her dancing at what looked like a wedding with their forehead pressed against each other and their eyes closed. They were both smiling.

I didn't notice I was crying until my tear fell down my arm. I wiped my tears and disliked the video.

* * *

Patience was never my thing. I just can't seem to wait for something. I don't like waiting, it's a waste of time and I'm absolutely against that. Punctuality is important to me but patience is not.

Finn was always busy; I understand that but a little bit of planning wouldn't hurt. He told me he made reservation at this sushi place. I'm not really a fan of sushi or Japanese food per se, but that was because Quinn couldn't stand sushi. She loathed it. She tried it once with Santana and she told me that was the first and last time she ever ate sushi. So we never tried it.

He was sweating a bit when he arrived. He apologized and said he was stopped by fans. He gave me a kiss and he ordered the food for both of us. I just kept looking at the place. It was nice, it was quite packed but it wasn't noisy. People seemed to really enjoy their foods. We were inside a VIP room so we had our own little room.

Finn was still talking to the waitress when I heard a laugh. I looked across me and there they were. Quinn and Emily. I was facing their profiles. Quinn was making faces when she saw the foods on the table. Emily then fed her with the chopstick and Quinn slowly chewed. She was nodding, smiling and giggling to whatever Emily said. When I saw Quinn feeding her back, I had enough. I accidentally bumped my knees on the table. Both Finn and the waitress looked at me. I told Finn I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to go home. He was saying something when I stood up and walked out the place.

* * *

It wasn't hard to ignore her after the first few weeks that I left her. Mainly because she was just another ordinary person but then this whole Lucy Fabray thing happened. She was everywhere. Her face was on every magazine I bought, her pictures were all over the internet and every coffee shop seems to only play her songs.

I know that most of the songs she wrote were about me. But those weren't the same song she used to sing to me when we were together. Most of her songs were new. I have no idea when and where she wrote those. That is until I heard one particular song while I was in my dressing room. The first thing I heard was the music and how similar it was to a song she used to play with her guitar. I focused on the lyrics and the images of us dancing around the apartment appeared.

I put down the necklace and walked outside the room. There was a girl leaning against a wall few feet away from the dressing room. Her eyes were glued to her phone.

"Excuse me?" the girl looked up at me.

"Yeah?" she answered. I looked down at her phone, trying to glance at the screen.

"Oh shit! Sorry. Was it too loud? I forgot to bring my earphone. I'll turn it off—"

"No! I was just wondering, whose song were you listening to?" She gave me a smile and unlocked her phone.

"It's Lucy Fabray's song. You probably don't know her but she's this new indie singer. She's really awesome. I've seen her twice with my best friend. This is her new song I think. She just uploaded it. It's called "Favorite Thing" which I'm like 110% sure is about Emily. Emily is her rumored girlfriend. They're so cute together. She's really pret—" I clenched my jaw when she said her name.

"Oh, it looks like I'm late for my interview now! Thank you for that! Have a nice day." I ran to my dressing room and cried my eyes out.

* * *

Attending award shows are probably one of the best moments in my life. I love the spotlight; I love the craziness of the photographers and the questions thrown over miles away. I love hearing people telling me I look gorgeous or how they like my works. It has always been my dream and living it is amazing. Finn's the opposite. He hates going to award shows simply because he felt left out. He went with me once and decided it was enough.

So I've been going to award shows with Kurt. I also took his boyfriend to Grammy because it was a dream of him. Grammy was not boring, per se. Just that I don't listen to most of the music they're playing live. I don't appreciate the bright colorful neon lights on stages either. I guess that's what famous these days.

I won an award for a soundtrack I did for this musical. Kurt was jumping up and down and kissing my cheek when they announced my name. Blaine just gave me a firm hug and congratulated me.

I thanked my fans, of course, my dads, my fiancé, my friends and I even thanked Barbra Streisand who was right in front of me and she even winked at me! Barbra Streisand winked at me! Rachel Berry!

Most of the show just bore me, to be quite honest. Apart from when they let the legends sang. That is until I saw her face on the screen and when they announced her name. I didn't even know she was nominated for anything. Her music is so underrated, as far as I remember. Also, she looked gorgeous. A little shaggy but still, gorgeous, breath taking. I always envy that about her, she doesn't have to try to be pretty, she already is. Kurt poked my rib with his elbow and I smiled at him and we both clapped together.

Like me, she thanked her fans (although she didn't called them her fans), her mom, her friends and that Emily girl. I think Kurt noticed that I rolled my eyes when she mentioned her name. What I didn't expect was that she dedicated the award to me. She even glanced at me for a few seconds. Her eyes were looking straight at mine and I felt sick.

I told Kurt that I needed some times away from the paparazzi because I was too tired answering questions about Finn and the wedding and even the damn ring. So, I ran away backstage, looking for any rooms. Most of them were locked. I found one that doesn't have any celebrities' name. I stepped inside and stopped my motion when I saw someone facing the wall. When she turned around, she was stunned. She was listening to music and she was biting her bottom lips.

"Quinn." She took out one of her earphone and looked down at her iPod.

"I'm sorry. I was running away from the reporters. Can I stay here for a bit?" I asked, or maybe whispered. I didn't dare to look at her eyes. She nodded and pointed at the chair. She's also avoiding my gaze. She even closed her eyes for a moment.

"May I have one?" I whispered, staring at her lips.

"Yo—you don't smoke,"

"I feel like I need one right now and I do smoke. Every once in a while," She nodded and handed me one with shaky fingers. I put it between my mouth, her eyes on the cigarette the whole time.

"Light," She leaned in and I leaned back, almost dropping the cigarette. "My lighter is out of gas," she looked guilty so I nodded and moved towards her, letting the tips touched. We exchanged glanced and she blushed. I almost smile.

She then turned around quickly and sat down at the coffee table facing the wall.

"What are you doing here?"

"Got an invitation," I nodded and looked around the room to find ideas to talk about. I saw her award.

"Congrats on your award,"

"Congrats on yours," My God, this might be the most awkward situation we've ever been in, I thought. I moved closer and sat next to her. "Thank you." I can see the corner of her lips turned upward. When she threw her cigarette, I also threw mine.

"How are you?" She kept silence, just continued looking at her boot that she just stepped her cigarette with.

"Quinn?" I called.

"I'm okay." She answered. "You look beautiful," she added. I wanted to ask about Emily, but her name won't pass my lip.

"Quinn." I kneeled in front of her, not caring that I was ruining the dress I'm wearing. I lifted her chin and gave her a small smile. She's still avoiding my eyes.

"Quinn."

"I'm so sorry for everything I did. I was a bitch and I know that. I shouldn't have left like that. I should've at least given you some explanation. I—"

"I wanted some explanation. I did. But now? I don't think I want to know. I don't want to know why you left me for him. I don't want to know what he has that I don't. I don't know the reason why he won or why you chose him. I just—I just don't,"

"Maybe… maybe you should stop fighting," She chuckled.

"Remember what you told me? '_I rather live a hard, miserable life with you than having good, easy life without you,_" a pause "'_I'd always choose you," _she continued. She wiped the tears with the back of her hand.

"So no, I'm not going to stop fighting because I know that you and I, we're eternal. I'm going to try my hardest to win you back, even though I might not even have the chance. I will never stop fighting for you and for us," She took a deep breath, "I want to marry you, Rach," I closed my eyes. Fighting the tears.

"I want to spend my days with you. Watching movies on our laptop in bed, singing and dancing around the kitchen. I want to disturb you while you're cooking. Walk down the street in the middle of the night, sharing coffee. Not talking to each other for few hours after an argument, raising kids, running around with them and cry together when they have their own. I want to dance around the house because we're too old to do anything else. I want to die knowing that we are each other's soul mates. I want that. I want that more than anything. And I know you want that too. But not with me, with him. And it hurts, Rach. It hurts so much because I'm slowly starting to give up and I don't want that because I love you so much," and soon we were both crying, loudly. My nose was runny and everything was blurry.

I cupped her face and I kissed her. It was messy, and sticky. With both of our tears mixed together. How she was kissing me roughly with so much desperation and I let her. I let her ran her fingers on my hair and her hand brushing behind my ear.

I pulled back and stared into her eyes. Those glassy hazel eyes. I stood up and fixed my dress, and took my purse.

"If he ever leaves you, I hope you know that you have me and that I will never stop fighting and waiting. You can always come home. I will be there for you, to love you and I will never stop,"

I gripped the door knob and looked at her back.

"If he ever leaves me." And I ran out, found Kurt and cried on his chest.

All night.

* * *

I subscribe to her channel, funny enough. I didn't know subscribing mean YouTube will send me notifications every time she uploaded a video. Every single time it did, my heart broke a little bit more.

It's not because I know those songs were meant for me, maybe a little bit, but it broke my heart knowing that I caused her to be so sad. I was the reason for her sad songs. Every time she looked down on the floor instead of the camera everyone knew she was crying. At least 5 people will comment on that.

I'd like to think she had some practices before she recorded the final video, to maybe fix some things like I would but no. All of her videos were probably one take. It's so raw and amazing.

**Can we meet up at our place tonight, please? I have something to give you.**

I stared at that text for quite a while. I didn't open to read it. I just stared at the little notification box. I tried not to peek at the numbers. I had hard time trying to forget them since the first day I left. I wanted to reply but then I know she'd reply back. I picked up my phone and unlock the screen.

"Rach?"

"Shit!" I dropped the phone on the floor.

"Hey, it's only me." He came closer to me, putting both of his hands on my shoulders, massaging them a little bit. "Why so tense? I'm going to a meeting with the guys. Are you okay with staying alone? You can call Kurt over if you want," I nodded and stood up. He already has his suit on. He smiled down at me and kissed my lip.

"Now, why don't you take a bath? You seem like you need it." I smiled back at him and walked to the bathroom only realizing I left my phone.

Well, shit.

When I arrived at 'our' place, she wasn't there. There were couple of people walking around the park, probably having trouble sleeping or maybe they're also meeting their ex. Maybe our place was their place too. I looked down at my watch. 2:30 a.m. I guess she went back home. I thought she'd wait. I took a deep breath, rubbed my arms and stared at the city lights in front of me. It still surreal to me how busy and loud this city is regardless of what time it is. I can just hear the sound of cars honking, people yelling at each other and the loud noise by a group of high teenagers laughing.

Quinn picked this place as our place because it's calming and the people are somehow nicer. She used to write a lot here. Once I even found her sleeping on the bench with a sheet of paper as her pillow. I took out a cigarette from my pocket and started smoking. I rubbed my palm against each other, regretting not bringing a sweater.

I waited until I got a text from Finn. I took a last look at the city and walked to the dustbin to throw my cigarette. Something shiny caught my eyes as I looked down at the dustbin. I made sure nobody was looking at me or else they might think I was a homeless. I took it out and almost fell down. My teddy bear. The teddy bear daddy gave me when he won the rigged game at a carnival. I cleaned the dust and wiped the shiny black eyes.

"Hello, Franny." I swallowed my saliva, "didn't think we'd meet again. I'm so sorry I didn't bring you with me. I had so many things in mind. I still remember you, don't worry. I'll always remember you." I sat down on the grass.

"Was she getting rid of my things? Is that how you ended up here? Is she moving on, Franny? Moving on with that Emily girl? I'm sorry I asked so many questions. You can say I'm a bit curious. Let's go home, alright? Although, I think you'd be safer living with Kurt for a while. I have a feeling it wasn't Quinn who threw you away." I saw someone stopped in front of me, looking at me like I was crazy. I frowned and she raised her eyebrows. She pointed her finger at me.

"You're—you—who are you? You seem familiar. Oh!"

I ran away before she gets to say anything else.

* * *

Planning the wedding was hell for me. I guess fatigue is a sign of getting older. We were in a rush. Finn won't cooperate; he wanted a football themed wedding because I said I wanted something out of ordinary. I decided to let him and his friends to wear their team's color. It wasn't perfect but he deserved something of his own. I don't really mind the color, really. Silver and blue look okay.

I stayed at my dads while he stayed at Burt's. We agreed not to see each other for two days. Kurt, Brittany and Mercedes stayed with me while the boys stayed with him. I didn't have any bachelorette party because I was too tired planning the wedding. I heard the boys took Finn to a strip club and to be honest I don't really care. He's too awkward.

I sat down in front of the mirror, staring at myself in my elegant white wedding dress. Kurt designed it for me. I bet it's expensive but he only cost me few thousands. Plus he knows what I like and don't like. Also, my feet were swelling so I don't feel like going to dress shopping with huge feet. My eyes were teary so I bit my lip.

"Hey, future Mrs. Hudson. You okay?" Kurt appeared behind my back, giving me a full smile. I smiled back at him through the mirror.

"I'm just a little bit nervous."

"Don't be. Knowing you, you've probably practiced saying I do in hundreds of ways. You look beautiful."

"Thank you, Kurt. You don't look bad yourself. I like the new haircut. Can you leave me alone and ask them to go too for a moment? I need to breathe. I'm about to faint."

"Of course, sweetie. Just take a deep breath. It's going to be just fine. It's going to be the wedding of the year. Trust me." He said before asking all the people, including my dad, to give me time for myself. My dad kissed my cheek before he left, his eyes were teary.

I turned back around to face the mirror. I took few deep breaths and wipe the tears that were hanging in my eyes. I walked to the bed and took out the tiny sealed box. I slowly unsealed them and took out a picture of us, me and her.

"I guess this is the end. No more looking back at us. Thank you for teaching me what love is. I'll always carry our memories in my heart, Quinn. Always." I looked at it for the last time before I hid them back in the box.

I'm ready.

* * *

I kept throwing up a lot. I haven't really eaten any food for a while. I've been postponing most photo shoots, interviews and I even skipped few nights of the play. Finn thought I might be pregnant and he's ecstatic. He kept saying how he wanted a son for a first born so he can teaches him to play football and do guy stuff like grilling. He even looked up for Jewish names for boys.

He found me lying on the floor after he came back from a game one night. I didn't remember fainting but I do remembered waking up at a hospital with him looking down on me with a sad face. He smiled a little and rubbed my fingers.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. You'll be okay."

"Then why am I here?"

"You fainted. I found you lying on the kitchen floor."

"Oh. Am I—" I looked down at my tummy and back at him "—pregnant?" He shook his head, disappointment covered his face.

"The doctor said your right kidney is not working. You need a surgery. We're trying to find someone who can donate their kidney to you. Your dads and I took the test but we're not a match so we have to wait a little longer." I pulled out his fingers from mine and put my hand on my heart, trying to calm it down. He sat down on the chair next to my bed.

"They won't take any much time though; I've paid someone to find you the perfect match. You don't have to worry." I nodded, looking out the window.

"I'll call your dads. Kurt came but he went back to shower. He said he'll be back later."

I closed my eyes and took the phone on the bedside table. I started googling 'risk of dying from kidney failure surgery' and I felt relieved. But I could be that 0.06%.

"Rachel, sweetie." My dad called, daddy already hugging me and kissing my forehead. "You're so strong, it's okay. You'll be okay, Rach." I smiled at my daddy and hugged him back. "I know, daddy." I whispered. "I googled it." They both giggled.

"That's our girl."

"Who in their right mind would want to give a kidney?"

"There are many kind people in this world, Rach. You just have to believe that. We'll find you a donor."

"You'll be okay. I'll look for the perfect match myself. I promise." Dad stroked my hair and smiled at me.

The doctor told me I have nothing to worry about and that kidney failure is not something very dangerous. I told my manager to not say anything about my health just yet but the tabloids were going insane. I suspected it's from that young nurse who kept coming in my room even though she never really did anything. At least that cleared up the news that I OD.

I spent the day before my surgery listening to music because I was afraid that I might not survive. My dads told me that the donor decided not to reveal their identity because they don't feel like showing off or being a hero who has given Rachel Berry their kidney. It's sort of sweet but I never really did stop asking for a name. Just one name, I told Finn. He just shook his head.

Finn looked sad too, few days before my surgery. He kept telling me everything's going to be okay yet his eyes told me otherwise. It's like he's scared of something. Few hours before my surgery, I was left alone in the room with Finn. I took his hand and assured him that I'll be out of the surgery, alive. He gave me a warm smile and kissed my mouth and asked for forgiveness for not being able to donate his own kidney even if it wasn't his fault.

A day after my surgery, the doctor told me I could go home. I was ecstatic of course but somehow the people around me don't seem very happy. My dads were fairly quiet, Finn had red eyes and even messier stubbles. Brittany was crying when she visited me even though she told me she's happy I'm alive. Kurt was avoiding looking at everyone except me.

"Who's the donor?" I asked my dad who was falling asleep beside me. He looked up at me and let out few coughs.

"We don't know, baby. No one knows."

"Then why do you all seem so sad? Am I okay?"

"You're great, Rach. We're all just scared that you weren't going to come out alive, that's all."

"I know when you're lying, daddy. I know when Finn's lying too. What's going on? Is it the donor?"

He looked up at that, his thumb and pointer finger pinching the bridge of his nose. "Daddy? Who's the donor?" I asked with a low voice. He was shaking and tears came rolling down his cheeks. I gripped the blanket and bit my lip.

"I want to call Quinn." I stated.

He stood up, rubbing his eyes and ran out the room. Few seconds after my dad came in. I told him the same thing I told my daddy. He stood beside me, looking down at my hand.

"Dad." I called.

He closed his eyes.

"Dad." I repeated, voice cracking. "Please."

"Quinn. Quinn's the donor." I nodded.

"Is she okay?" Again, he closed his eyes. "Dad, is she okay? Can I meet her, please?" He held my hand and rubbed my palm.

"She died on the surgery table." Was the last thing he said before he walked out of the room. Kurt came inside running and he quickly pulled me in for a hug. I gripped his shoulder and his back as he was shaking me. My eyes stopped blinking and I couldn't breathe. I heard him calling my name but I failed to respond. The last thing I remembered was yelling her name and I saw the nurses came inside the room before it all went black.

* * *

I told Finn I'm going to see some friends on the day of her funeral. I knew he knew I was lying but he nodded and even offered to give me a ride. It was like the mother nature was also grieving for her; the sky was dark, it was slightly raining and the air was cold. I waited for all the people to leave the church before I came in. Judy was the last to leave; Santana was waiting for her outside. Santana wrapped her arm around Judy and they both walked home holding each other. There were tons of flowers and candles. There were also signs with her face and name all over them.

I took off my sunglasses and slowly walked inside. The first thing that came to my mind was how soothing and warm the church was. I've been here in winter and summer before; it was different kind of feeling. I stared the coffin few feet away from me. She once told me that she wanted a small ceremony outdoor for her funeral and not in church. I guess she didn't get the chance to tell her mother that. That thought gave me shiver and made my heart hurt.

_Are you here?_

_Quinn? Are you here with me now?_

_You can appear if you want to. I'm no longer afraid of ghost._

I wanted to say out loud but my mouth betrayed me. I took a deep breath and wiped my cheek. "I can't believe you're gone." I started.

"I—I can't believe that this is it. This is the end," I hiccuped. I told her how selfish I was and how she was stupid for saving my life when I've done nothing but hurting her. I apologized for hurting her so many times and how selfish and ego I was. I told her about my plan to come back to her. I told her all about it, how I loved the fact that she was always there for me so I can always came back to her whenever I wanted. I have never felt like I need to punch myself.

No one can love me like she does… did. I know that, everyone knows that. She made no attempt to hide them either. I know that even if she was in a relationship with that girl and if she did love her, the feelings she had for her is nothing compared to her love for me.

I told her that she is the love of my life and that I could never love anyone as much as I love her. She is my soul mate even though she is no longer alive. She will always be the love of my life, the one who my heart beats for. This is the day I die, I told her and myself. I walked to her coffin, legs shaking.

I have to grip the side of the coffin to keep me standing. She looked peaceful and beautiful, like she was only sleeping except this time forever. I wanted to see her eyes; I even prayed to see those eyes for the last time. The last time I saw those eyes, it was filled with so much pain. There were no lights in them.

I caressed her cold cheek and leaned down to kiss her. She told me she wanted me to be her last kiss. I hope I am, I hope no one comes in and kiss her next. I let my lip feels the cracks on her lips. I held her cheek and wiped the tears I left on them. I pulled out the ring she gave me from my pocket and slid it on her own finger. I took out the bracelet on her wrist that I gave her when we were 18 and held it in my hand. I hope she doesn't mind me stealing that.

I leaned back in to kiss her. "I love you." I whispered before walking outside.

I ran to my car and started bawling. I will never forgive myself for the pain I've caused her. I will never forgive myself because the last pain she felt ended her life. I will never forgive myself but I know that what she would want. I took a deep breath and looked down at the bracelet.

_I love you._ I kept repeating in my head.

I'm not a good song writer, I don't have that talent but I have the passion for putting my feelings towards something so I tried writing one song, one song that ended up being my most successful song. It's a song I wrote for her. It's called 'Windows in Heaven'. It is the last song on my album. At the bottom of the lyrics, I wrote a small message for her.

"_For you. I miss you and I love you forever."_

I don't know if there are windows above wherever she is, but I believe that she is looking down at me. I hope she is. I hope she is proud of me and who I've become. I hope she knows that she never leaves my mind or my heart. I hope she misses me and I hope she knows that I miss her.

* * *

**THE END**

**The song 'Rachel' wrote is a song by We Are the in Crowd. It's an amazing song, go and listen to them. Thank you for your time. I appreciate every single one of you. Sorry for not writing that much. I'm struggling right now. Have a great day. **

I wanted to dedicate this to someone who was once my muse: who is still my muse. I don't know if you're reading this (you wanted me to write you a story) or if you ever will but I wanted to thank you for being a big part of my life for a while. Even though we didn't get the perfect ending like we wanted, I still do care. I will always care. I'm going to regret ever posting, aren't I? I miss you more that you'll ever know. It hurts me knowing that someday someone else will be in your heart, in your life, but I'm happy for you. I truly am. You deserve that, you deserve so much happiness and so much love. Maybe someday we'll find our ways back together. Even as friends, I would love that.

Thank you.


End file.
